Has Chivalry Died? Some Personal Observations on the Way Men Treat Women

During my years as a waitress, I noticed a discrepancy in the way customers treated male servers versus female.

To illustrate, I worked with a man named Matt who often heard friendly comments like,

“Hey, Matt, can you bring us another round?”

When talking to me, however, that same group was prone to saying,

“We’re going to need another round on your next trip over here.”

And I wasn’t the only female server treated like this, so I know it wasn’t just me.

There was also a male bartender who enjoyed the same feelings of camaraderie with the guests as Matt did. “Hi, Chris,” they might call to him upon entering the building. “How about a cold one?”

And again, their attitudes toward me were just slightly more imperial. “I’ll have a Miller Lite, and Mrs. Smith would like a dry martini.”

I’m not sure why the male servers inspired friendlier approaches from the guests, but the facts were there for anyone to see. It’s been more than four years since I quit waitressing, during which time I haven’t really noticed the male vs. female discrepancy. But on Friday, October 28, 2011, my world flipped upside down when I became the victim of an extremely blatant insult from a male colleague.

It's Called "Respect"

I was in the colleague’s office – he’s actually one of my advertisers in the newspaper I publish – trying to collect payment when a male vendor walked through the door. The colleague instantly turned from me to the male, paid him and wished him a good day.

After the incident, I politely asked for payment again.

Rather than acknowledge me, however, the colleague stood up from his desk and went out to his workshop. I followed and asked again for the payment, at which point the colleague turned on his heel and gave me a level stare.

“Get out,” he said loudly. “Don’t come back, have a nice life.”

I thought he was joking, until he looked me in the eye again and repeated that I needed to leave his store at once. With tears in my eyes, both from frustration and humiliation, I wrenched open the door and walked to my car. I was horrified, a feeling that literally kept me up that night as I replayed the awful scene over and over in my mind.

What Happened?

It is absolutely beyond me why my colleague turned so abruptly. We’ve had a great working relationship up until Friday, and he’s also an acquaintance of my husband’s. So I’m left wondering if he was having a bad day, or if the mere sight of my face inspired him to outlandish levels of anger.

Since Friday, I’ve done a little research on relationships between men and women in the workplace. I’ve not found much in that area, but I have discovered something quite interesting.

Some Misguided Advice For Men

It seems that some professional dating advisors today actually encourage men to be rude to women they find attractive. I’m not in any way insinuating that was the case with my colleague and me, but this phenomenon may provide insight to how men and women interact as a whole.

The theory behind “dating rudeness” is that it unbalances women, presumably because they’re used to men fawning over them rather than treating them with disdain. A rude man, therefore, stands out from the rest of the pack!

What if, however, this rudeness is witnessed by other men in public places, such as restaurants and nightclubs? Might it be possible for something to click in their brains and say, “Maybe all women need to be treated rudely.”

Okay...this might be a little far-fetched, I know, but for the sake of argument let’s pretend it’s possible.

Men might just become accustomed to treating women disrespectfully, no matter the outcome. In work situations, therefore, this attitude may also prevail, thus giving way to groups who treat female servers with airs of superiority and colleagues who dismiss women altogether.

There is also the scenario in which a man and woman are equally attracted to each other and begin to date. After some time, the man – thinking he’s getting a leg up in the relationship because of dating advice – starts to turn progressively ruder. Most women in this situation respond by asking if everything is OK, trying to “be there” for him and make sure he’s happy. When rude behavior reaps such rewards, isn’t a man bound to think the same actions will promote him in other social situations as well?

Guys - Women are People Too

I’m not trying to jump to conclusions here, but I do have to confess it’s been a while since I witnessed male chivalry. And that’s fine, because I don’t really expect it. Some respect, however, would be great. Moreover, men who try the psychology of “rudeness” to best their female counterparts might do better by acting with good, old-fashioned kindness.

PHOTO CREDIT: Instant Vintage

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