What NOT To Do On a First Date

By Jeany Miller

My best friend Laurie is re-entering the dating scene.

She’s had two disastrous relationships in her life: one that ended in divorce and another that ended in heartbreak. So she took an extended vacation from men and now, at almost 42 years old, is finally comfortable enough to again test the waters.

I’ve mentioned before that Laurie is the very proud mom of a lively two-year-old, so it’s difficult for her to meet other people. She works during the day and takes care of her daughter in the evenings and on weekends. This leaves little free time, and one of the biggest obstacles Laurie has found is actually being in the places where available, single and interesting men are.

The Wild World of Online Dating

To overcome this obstacle, she joined an online dating site. Laurie is not new to such sites, as this is the way in which she met her ex- boyfriend (who lied and cheated). She decided to be more careful this time, though, and made a rule for herself:

No meeting any men until at least four weeks of regular communication.

This was intended to keep her from falling in love too quickly.

How can you get to know someone just by talking on the phone and exchanging emails?

I’m not sure, and clearly Laurie isn’t either. Through the site, she was paired with a community of men who allegedly shared her interests. She weeded through them and began talking in earnest with Brian and Scott.

Brian and Scott.

Brian continually asked her out after just a week, but Laurie stayed true and refused. She didn’t actually tell Brian about her personal unwritten rule, but instead explained she needed more time.

Scott, on the other hand, seemed more willing to take it slow.

After almost four weeks, Laurie relented and decided to meet Brian for the first time - despite her greater attraction for Scott, with whom she had already shared many long and meaningful conversations. But, as Laurie explained to me, she didn’t want to ever look back on this time in her life and think, “What if?”

Like Laurie, Brian is a single parent. So for their first date, he suggested they take their children to a Halloween party at the community center. The party was sponsored by a local civic group, and it seemed like a safe and sensible environment for two adults to meet.

The night started out bad.

What Not To Do On a Date

Brian let his son run wild without much supervision, while Laurie kept her daughter right at her side. Brian also expected Laurie to come over to his house after the party so the children could sleep while they “got to know each other.” And finally, the real icing on the cake came at the end of the evening.

Brian hugged Laurie, thanked her for a nice time and cupped her bottom for several seconds. When Laurie pulled away, in embarrassment, he proceeded to pat her bottom three times in a row.

All in front of his own son and Laurie’s daughter, who watched in wide-eyed wonder.

Later that night, Brian sent Laurie a text: “I’m sorry if I got a little carried away tonight. I just got worked up holding you in my arms like that.”

For Laurie, this actually made the situation worse.

She explained to me, “If he gets worked up at a children’s Halloween party at a civic center, what would happen if we were at his house alone together?” In other words, how can you trust someone like that?

Whether he knows it or not, Brian broke one of Laurie’s first date rules.

In her mind, it’s not appropriate for a strange man to touch her bottom in front of her daughter. Such touching also is not appropriate when it’s not invited. Laurie told me she and Brian didn’t have any kind of spark throughout the evening, and she hadn’t even planned to kiss him.

Brian was obviously moving much faster without even consulting her first.

Pass!

Luckily, Laurie plans to tell Brian it’s not going to work, plain and simple. She doesn’t want to explain herself and is determined to never see him again. So, it looks like Scott will get his chance after all. He and Laurie don’t have a scheduled date yet, but I have a feeling it won’t be long. I just hope he understands the intricacies of first date etiquette.

PHOTO CREDIT: Ed Yourdon