Learning to Say "No"

By Jeany Miller

My sister recently took a six-day vacation to Savannah, Georgia, with her boyfriend. The day before leaving, she called and asked if I would baby-sit her dog Ladybug, who weighs only three pounds and is delightfully lovable. The baby-sitting itself wasn’t an issue, but finding the time to escape work and drive one hour one way to get to my sister’s house was. Yet, despite my scheduling woes, I said yes, agreeing to visit Ladybug on two different days.

As it turns out, my best intentions failed miserably, and I didn’t get to my sister’s even once. She was explosively angry, calling and texting me from Georgia demanding to know why I had botched this most simple of tasks. Aside from the hurt feelings, sisterly chiding and injury to Ladybug, I began wondering why I had said yes in the first place.

In part it was to help my sister, of course, but deep down I must have known it would be extremely difficult to squeeze in another commitment. So…

Could it be that I’m a yes-woman?

By this, I don’t mean the type of woman who feels strong and empowered, crying out, “Yes, I am woman, hear me roar.” Instead, I mean the female who grudgingly agrees to anything and everything because the word “no” isn’t part of my vocabulary. And as such, have I become the go-to person for every ridiculous task in the world, thereby missing out on important aspects of my own professional and personal growth?

I’m afraid so.

It turns out that yes-women are abundant, inhabiting every corner of the earth and likely growing in number. Why is this, especially when time is so precious and we all have erratic schedules that keep us bouncing from one task to the next? Speaking from a personal perspective, when I say no, I feel guilty, selfish and irresponsible. I believe I’m taking the easy way out and am letting people down when just a few hours of my time is all they’re asking for.

The problem, however, is just that: they’re asking for my time, which I don’t have enough of anyway.

Health Benefits of Saying "No"

I think it’s inherent that women feel obligated to push themselves further and further in superhero fashion. There are, however, real benefits to saying no.

Reduce Anxiety. One is the relief of anxiety, as an overbooked schedule coupled with poor time management can cause untold physical and emotional stress.

Reduce Blod Clot Risk. Doctors even suggest over-commitment is a predictor for blood clots. And according to studies, nearly 70 percent of Americans are stressed, while one-third is chronically overworked.

Finding Time for the Things That REALLY Matter. The other benefit to saying no is that it gives you a chance to discover those projects that truly are worthwhile in building your business or improving your family time. Saying yes to everything means you don’t discriminate in how you spend your time. Unnecessary lunches and meetings, for instance, can wreak havoc on your schedule without providing real benefit. On the other hand, being more selective means you give your time to what’s really important.

How to Say "No"

So, how can we learn to purse our mouths and utter that emotionally-charged word “no?”

Explain Why "No". One way is by accompanying this response with an explanation. I don’t mean justification for the reason you said no, but rather explaining that you’re just too busy. An example might be, “I would like to visit this weekend, but I’m working on a project that needs to be finished for Monday morning.”

Conditional "Yes". Another alternative is the conditional yes, which is a timid version of no that needs to be reserved for the most demanding occasions. However, this response can adjust the terms of a request (“I can’t do Wednesday, but I’ll fit you in on Friday”) or identify those terms to which you’re most agreeable so you’re not stuck with an entirely bad deal (“I will take the kids shopping for shoes, but I can’t drive them to school on Tuesday”).

Trade Off. Last, you can offer a trade-off, which tends to work equally well with family, friends and supervisors. Using this technique means you inform the requester that something else will become less of a priority. For instance, you might say, “I understand this research needs our immediate attention, so which of our other projects should be rearranged to give us adequate time?” Accordingly, your time is not spent rushing from one task to the next, forcing you to work yourself into a real frenzy.