Being a Stepmom (That Your Stepkids will Love)

By Jeany Miller

My 28-year-old sister has been dating the same 40-year-old man for more than a year now.

Aside from the obvious and vast difference in age, my sister and this man have other incompatibilities. She is footloose and fancy-free, single without the bad memories of a divorce behind her. He, on the other hand, was married and divorced before he turned 35. He also has two daughters, one who is 13 and the other who is 11. My sister is child-free and, according to what she’s said in the past, wishes to remain so.

What, then, is my sister doing in this relationship?

I recently talked to her about this very subject and gained some insight.

Marriage Hopeful, Stepmom Hesitant

She is, according to her own admission, hoping to get married. The drawback is his children, who are at difficult enough ages without throwing in a potential stepmom.

When I asked her how they behave when she’s around, she balked at first.

“I’d rather not talk about it,” she said.

After a little sisterly prodding, though, she caved.

“They’re terrible. The older one hates me, and the younger one is simply indifferent. I’m so uncomfortable around them that I’d rather just keep my distance. That won’t be possible, though, if we get married.”

After we hung up, I tried to envision my sister in the role of stepmom. This is difficult for me to do because to me she’ll always be a chubby-cheeked nine-year-old begging me to play Barbies with her. But as I imagined her life as a married woman, I started to wonder how she could manage a healthy relationship with her daughters.

Checking Expectations

Experts suggest that many women enter such situations with high and unreasonable expectations. They strive to be perfect caregivers and homemakers with the assumption that cooking, cleaning and caring for the children will create a unified and happy family. Many women, in effect, try to do too much in their roles of stepmothers.

Similarly, if a stepmom tries to assume a parenting role, the children are likely to reject them. This can lead to feelings of misunderstanding and resentment on the parts of all parties.

What is someone like my sister supposed to do, then?

The answer is surprising.

How to Be a Stepmom

Rather than behave as parents, stepmoms should leave parenting responsibilities, including discipline, to the parents. They should never try to replace real moms, nor should they expect to be treated as mothers. Instead, women should be approachable and act as adult friends, or figure heads, to their stepchildren.

It is also unreasonable to expect to instantly create a new family.

With the help of their spouses, stepmoms should define their roles based upon common stepfamily challenges and their own stepchildren’s’ expectations. Moreover, women should respect the relationships that were in place before they came along, including those between children, mom and dad.

If all of this sounds extremely complicated to you, I agree.

In my mind, the gist is to form lasting relationships with stepchildren is to view them as human beings, not stepchildren at all.

This probably means, first and foremost, refraining from competition with the children’s biological mother. Kids pick up on this sort of false behavior, just as my friend’s daughter did when he remarried. In that case, the stepmom went out of her way to outshine the biological mom. She gleaned from the seven-year-old daughter those activities the mom and daughter usually shared, then tried to recreate amplified versions of them. After less than two years, the marriage was in tatters, and the stepmom and daughter could barely be in the same room together.

The end result was divorce.

My Advice to My Little Sister

While this scenario is extreme, it’s also symbolic of the delicate balance a stepmom must find when assuming her role. My advice to my little sister, therefore, is this: respect the relationships that are already in place and don’t do anything to disrupt them. Instead, try to find a way to make room for yourself without stepping on any toes. The kids will ultimately be the judges, but if my sister is patient and maintains open, honest communication, she might have a fighting chance.